A Letter to the Israeli Prime Minister from my good friend Neil Truelove:
Dear Mr Netanyahu, I have a lot of sympathy for your current position. I have become increasingly concerned that England’s borders are “not defensible” therefore I intend to petition our Prime Minister Mr Cameron to invade Wales and to station troops as far North as John O’Groats in order to protect the English people. It will of course be necessary to suppress the Welsh and the Scots and to deny them basic human rights but let’s face it you can’t make an omelette without breaking a few eggs can you? My proposal is that we should start a programme of house building in the Valleys and Lowlands for homeless English people to move into to create the impression that we have a right to the land and to make it more difficult for any meddling international bodies to make us move out. If we claim squatters’ rights that should muddy the waters enough to make the issue of getting us out almost totally impenetrable. We could call them “settlers” to make them sound more heroic, what do you think? I would urge Mr Cameron not to put up with any stone throwing nonsense from the locals by dealing with any miscreants most robustly. (I’m not actually going to come out and say we should shoot them dead in the streets but we all know that’s what we’re talking about.) We should probably plan to handle inbound aid shipments in much the same way, preferably while they are still in international waters. We don’t want the do-gooders getting too close now do we? I anticipate a spot of negative reaction from the international community and maybe some heavy tutting from the Americans or a raised eyebrow or two, but I have a plan for dealing with that. Anybody who criticises us should be roundly condemned as anti-English. (You and I both know that there is a clear distinction between condemning a country’s immoral and intolerable abuses on the one hand and being “anti” the race or creed of the people of that country on the other, but let’s not get distracted by that.) I know we can count on you as a good friend to stand shoulder to shoulder with us on this matter. If Mr Cameron won’t see sense on this I’m going to lobby Boris Johnson to step in instead. He’s usually up for a bit of a jingoistic punch up and I’m pretty sure he’d give it a go. Anyway let me know if you have any suggestions for how I can build some support for this idea and in the meantime keep up the good work. After all, what would Jesus do, eh?